The Evolution of Disorganized Attachment: An Often Misunderstood Attachment Style

If you’re an active user of #DatingTok, chances are you’ve come across attachment theory quite frequently. This theory, which was originally formulated by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychoanalyst John Bowlby and gained widespread attention through the release of the book Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the Science of Adult Attachment Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love in 2010, delves deep into the impact our childhood experiences have on our adult relationships. In simpler terms, it aims to uncover the reasons behind our attraction towards individuals who may not have our best interests at heart or our struggle to commit to long-term relationships. So, whether you find yourself drawn to f*ckboys or constantly grappling with commitment issues, attachment theory seeks to shed light on these perplexing manifestations of love.

Did you know that there are three main attachment styles commonly used by mental health professionals? These are secure, anxious, and avoidant. However, what happens if you don’t fit into any of these categories? That’s where disorganized attachment comes into play. It’s often overlooked and not given as much attention as the others. In fact, it’s been dubbed “the forgotten” attachment style. This style was first introduced by psychology professors Mary Main and Judith Solomon in 1986 at the University of California, Berkeley. They built upon the original attachment findings of Ainsworth and Bowlby to create a new classification for infant attachment. Since then, there have been limited studies on disorganized attachment. But, there is a growing number of mental health professionals who are recognizing its importance and including it in their discussions about attachment styles.

TikTok users are eagerly joining the conversation about dating culture, seeking to unravel the mysteries and protect themselves from heartbreak. They are sharing their own videos, aiming to demystify the complexities of attachment styles. While connecting with like-minded individuals can be fantastic, it is wise to prioritize the guidance of experts over quick video suggestions that can lead to further bewilderment and perpetuate damaging stereotypes. Instead of relying on a three-minute clip, it is far more beneficial to seek knowledge from professionals who can provide reliable and insightful information.

We had a chat with some experts to really grasp what disorganized attachment is all about, as well as other attachment styles in general. This helps us figure out how we can improve our relationships with others and ourselves. But before we dive into the details, let’s start from the beginning.

According to Ayanna Abrams, a licensed clinical psychologist from Atlanta, an attachment style is basically how you interact and build connections with other people. It’s something that typically develops during our childhood and includes the way we think, feel, and act in response to our experiences in relationships. But don’t be overwhelmed by this concept, as these styles are simply tools that help us understand our emotional tendencies, they’re not a medical condition. So, don’t fret, it’s all about gaining insight into our emotional patterns.

According to Dr. Abrams, an attachment style should not be considered as a diagnosis for medical or mental health conditions. Rather, it provides valuable insights into the patterns of behavior that an individual may exhibit. To truly comprehend and address these patterns, it is recommended to seek support from a therapist who incorporates attachment theory in their practice. This information is vital to navigate and improve one’s attachment style, as a therapist can provide effective guidance and therapy based on this theory.

The concept put forth by psychoanalytical theory suggests that our experiences during childhood have a significant impact on the way we form and maintain both romantic and platonic relationships in the future. As explained by Lori Lawrenz, a licensed clinical psychologist from Hawaii, the attachment theory reveals that our current partners often evoke feelings similar to those we had towards our early caregivers. These early years, she explains, shape our attachment style, which in turn influences our thoughts, emotions, and actions within adult relationships. Ultimately, this shaping process affects the way we connect with others throughout our lives.

Let’s break it down even further: attachment styles are rooted in how we were cared for during our childhood. If we were consistently shown love, support, and attention by our caregivers, we will likely have an easier time forming and maintaining healthy relationships in adulthood. On the flip side, if our caregivers were not consistent in providing these things, we may struggle with forming these types of connections later in life. However, it’s important to note that minor fluctuations in a child’s first year of life won’t determine their attachment style or romantic future. According to Laura Young, a social worker in Charlottesville, VA, who was interviewed by Allure, the research on this topic may vary, but what is generally considered as “good enough” parenting is being attuned to your child’s needs and providing soothing comfort at least 50 to 70 percent of the time. This statistic is based on a study conducted in 2020.

Let me break it down for you in a way that’s easy to understand. Dr. Abrams, the expert in this field, tells us that when it comes to attachment, people generally fall into two groups: the secure ones and the insecure ones. Now, the insecure ones can be divided into three subgroups: the anxious, the avoidant, and the disorganized. So, it’s all about how we connect with others, and some of us might have a harder time than others in this department. But don’t worry, there’s a lot more to explore when it comes to attachment styles and how they affect our relationships.

Being labeled with a certain attachment style doesn’t mean it’s set in stone. According to Dr. Abrams, attachment styles can actually evolve over time. These labels are more like default settings that most of us fall into, serving as tools to better comprehend ourselves and our behaviors. It’s important to remember that they are not rigid classifications. Dr. Lori further explains the three commonly recognized attachment styles in detail.

When a child can seek solace from their parent and find comfort in their presence, it develops a certain kind of interpersonal style. This style becomes the foundation for healthy adult relationships, where individuals can establish deep connections with their partners. It involves being able to provide comfort, being truthful, and freely expressing one’s emotions. In essence, it’s about fostering an environment that promotes openness and understanding.

Sometimes, a peculiar attachment style can arise when a child has a parent who struggles to acknowledge or appropriately address the child’s needs. According to an expert, this form of attachment style can develop when a parent downplays the child’s needs or when the child is compelled to assume the role of caretaker for the parent. Consequently, the child may learn to repress their own needs and become self-reliant, resulting in a tendency to distance themselves from others. As the child matures into an adult, they may find it challenging, or perhaps choose not to, fully invest in relationships and may prefer to keep their partners at a distance to prevent any semblance of intimacy that may remind them of the unmet needs from their childhood.

When a child grows up without a reliable parent to meet their needs, they may develop a certain style. In this style, the child does not feel secure with their parent because they cannot depend on them. As a result, the child becomes hesitant to explore the world around them. They prefer to stay close to their parent and become clingy and demanding to get their needs met. As the child grows into adulthood, they often exhibit traits of jealousy, clinginess, and possessiveness.

According to popular opinion on TikTok, a disorganized attachment style is typically described as a blend of avoidance and anxiety. However, this explanation is somewhat accurate, as stated by Dr. Lawrenz. There isn’t an abundance of research in this area, but it is acknowledged that individuals with a disorganized attachment style may exhibit a fear of being abandoned or struggling to form emotional connections with others.

Dr. Lawrenz explains that a significant portion of adults, approximately 20 to 40 percent, possess a disorganized attachment style. The factors contributing to its development are diverse, but in extreme cases, this style can manifest when a child is raised in an abusive environment. Interestingly, Dr. Lawrenz points out that as many as 80 percent of individuals who experienced childhood sexual abuse may exhibit signs of this particular attachment style. On the other hand, it is possible for a disorganized attachment style to emerge when a parent displays anxiety in the presence of their child, which the child readily absorbs. As Dr. Lawrenz describes it, this attachment style is deeply intertwined with chaos and fear.

According to Dr. Abrams, there are certain indicators that suggest a person might possess a disorganized attachment style. These include feeling anxious about being left or rejected, exhibiting emotional or physical aggression towards others, and having an ongoing sense of distrust towards their partner. Additionally, individuals who experience intense cycles of bonding and separation or occasional periods of tranquility may also be grappling with this particular attachment style. Dr. Abrams paints a picture of the disorganized attachment style as characterized by a combination of perplexing and unpredictable behaviors.

According to Dr. Lawrenz, individuals in this group often face challenges with dysregulation, such as struggling with substance abuse or engaging in uncontrollable sexual behaviors. She also points out that interacting with someone falling under this category may be difficult due to their unpredictable behavior.

Dr. Abrams explains that sometimes, people might have a strong longing to form deep connections with others. However, they may unknowingly engage in behaviors that push people away and harm relationships that have the potential to be beneficial. These habits can involve having unpredictable and disorderly patterns in relationships, as well as having certain expectations or demands that can be perplexing and impractical in a healthy context.

To effectively address a disorganized attachment style, or any other attachment style we possess, the initial and crucial step involves developing self-awareness. By being aware of ourselves, we can greatly enhance the quality of our relationships with those around us. According to Dr. Ayanna, gaining insight and self-awareness is essential for personal growth and transformation. After all, we cannot alter something we are oblivious to, and we cannot expect others to fulfill our emotional needs if we ourselves are unaware of what they are. Acquiring information about our attachment style enables us to make informed decisions that benefit our well-being. So, recognizing and understanding our own attachment style becomes the foundation for creating meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.

After you’ve unraveled the mystery, it becomes crucial to have a heart-to-heart discussion about your attachment style with a therapist or an expert in the field. These professionals possess the knowledge and skills required to assist you in gaining a deeper understanding of your patterns when it comes to relationships. Once you’ve discovered that you indeed possess a disorganized attachment style, these experts can provide you with the necessary strategies and techniques to navigate through any challenges that may arise. Don’t hesitate to seek their guidance and support in your journey towards building healthier and more meaningful connections.

Dr. Lawrenz explains that engaging with someone who has a disorganized attachment style can be particularly challenging in relationships because of the inherent inconsistency and unpredictability often exhibited by individuals with this style. There is frequently a deep mistrust of both oneself and others, which often results in defensive behaviors to prevent potential harm. It is important to acknowledge that change is possible for individuals with any attachment style, and maintaining hope is essential. It is crucial to remember that attachment styles are not recognized as medical conditions or diagnoses.

Don’t lose hope if you find yourself dealing with a disorganized attachment style! Remember, this is not a permanent situation, and you have the power to change it. According to Dr. Lawrenz, our attachment styles are not something we consciously choose, but rather a means of handling and navigating our early emotions and fears. They are shaped by the way we were cared for as infants. So, take heart and know that with the right understanding and effort, you can work towards creating a more secure attachment style that suits you better.

According to Dr. Abrams, your attachment style can undergo modifications as you go through different life experiences and as you consciously strive for change. It may require a considerable amount of time, energy, and dedication, but the results are definitely worth it. So, don’t hesitate to put in the necessary effort to shape and improve your attachment style.

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